Demystifying the Ins and Outs of V Relationships - 33rd Square (2024)

As polyamory enters the mainstream, one relationship structure people often find intriguing is the "V." I‘m Terry, a relationship coach who helps people navigate consensual non-monogamy. In this comprehensive guide, I‘ll unpack everything you need to know about V relationships.

Defining the V Dynamic

First, what is a V relationship? V polyamory involves:

• 1 pivot partner dating 2 other partners
• Those 2 partners not dating each other, only the pivot

The pivot forms the point of the V, acting as a hinge between the two legs. My friend Sally is an example: she‘s currently dating Alex and Jordan separately. Sally is the pivot in the V.

V terminology emerged organically in poly communities during the 1990s as a way to map multi-partner relationship configurations. The V visual neatly captures the connections between three people – simple yet illustrative.

The Prevalence of Vs in Polyamory

V relationships are quite common among folks who practice consensual non-monogamy. In one survey from Loving More nonprofit, 56% of polyamorous people reported currently being in a V relationship.

As the above data shows, V relationships are the predominant poly configuration among those surveyed. Triads and quads occur less often.

Why does the V structure resonate? In my experience as a polyamory educator, Vs allow people to reap the rewards of poly while avoiding some common pitfalls like triad jealousy. Let‘s explore how V relationships function day to day…

Navigating the Ins and Outs of a V

V relationships operate through open communication, excellent calendar management, and constantly checking in on everyone‘s needs.

For Sally the pivot in our example V, giving focused quality time to both Alex and Jordan is key. She also ensures Alex and Jordan get opportunities to voice their desires and concerns.

Alex and Jordan can help by showing compersion – taking joy in seeing their partner Sally happy with another partner. They should avoid comparing themselves or demanding identical treatment.

Here are some more V polyamory tips:

• Respect each dyad‘s privacy – Alex shouldn‘t expect Sally to tell Jordan every detail and vice versa. Certain aspects stay between each leg of the V.
• Create structured time together – Give each dyad designated date nights to connect without distraction from the other leg.
• Discuss agreements frequently – Revisit rules around safer sex, sleepovers, info sharing, public displays of affection.
• Manage the calendar diligently – A shared calendar helps the pivot balance obligations. Communicate schedule changes ASAP.
• Make space for all emotions – The pivot especially must validate every feeling that arises, negative or positive.
• Check your assumptions – Don‘t expect your metamour to be your new BFF; let each relationship develop organically.

Paul and Silvia‘s V Journey

Seeking examples of real life V relationships? Paul and Silvia can provide insight. I recently coached this married couple looking to open up their marriage in an ethical way.

Paul realized he was interested in exploring relationships with men after meeting Lucas. Silvia supported Paul‘s same-sex exploration, so they converted to a V.

"It took work finding our groove," Paul told me. "Silvia needed reassurance I still valued our marriage. Lucas had some jealousy about Silvia being the legal spouse. We had many tearful conversations, but after months of building trust, we‘ve struck a beautiful balance."

When I asked Silvia what helped most, she emphasized the calendar. "We put all three of our schedules in a Google Calendar and coordinate everything there – it keeps us sane!"

The Evolution of V Relationships

V relationships aren‘t stagnant – they grow and morph over time as with any relationship. One pattern I‘ve observed is long-term V relationships opening up.

For example, Silvia realized she also wanted to date other men. So Paul and Silvia converted from a closed V to an open V where both can pursue additional partners.

As trust deepens and all feel secure, it‘s common for V relationships to expand or shift configurations. The key is frequent check-ins on what each person wants as needs change.

Weighing Pros and Cons of V Life

Is the complexity of navigating a V worth it? Here are some potential advantages and drawbacks to evaluate:

Pros:

• Wider selection of partners to match different needs
• Each dyad can progress more independently
• Avoidance of triad jealousy and imbalance
• Ability to be open publicly and privately

Cons:

• Periods apart from each partner
• Juggling everyone‘s varying schedules/needs
• Coming out repeatedly as polyamorous
• Partners may feel competitive or insecure

My advice? If you‘re considering a V, truly assess your bandwidth. V relationships require excellent time management and communication skills. But for people able to give each dyad proper focus, Vs can thrive!

Conclusion

As you can see, V relationships contain many nuanced layers and varied dynamics. While rewarding, they also expect a lot from everyone involved. Approach with care – do the work to grow secure in yourself and your connections. When practiced ethically, though, V relationships can satisfy needs for intimacy and authenticity.

I hope unraveling the ins and outs of V polyamory helps you on your own journey toward more abundant love! Feel free to reach out with questions.

Warmly,
Terry
Polyamory Coach & Educator

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